Broken Dolls
by FrostbittenRoses
Summary: Hermione is broken, consumed by her dark thoughts. As she deals with self harm, thoughts of suicide, and eating disorders, will her love for Ginny be enough to keep her from falling apart? Or will it be the very thing to send her over the edge? (Hermione/Ginny later on) Warning: This story contains self harm, suicidal ideation, and eating disorders. Please read with caution!
1. Chapter One

~Hermione~

I stare into the mirror and chew on my lower lip, hating what I see.

Eyes - brown, the color of mud.

Hair - much to frizzy.

Body - Fat. Fat fat fat.

I sigh, looking away from the mirror and flopping down on my bed. I'm alone in the dorm, at least for now, so I let the tears that cloud my eyes fall.

"Why am I so fat?" I say aloud, startled by the anger in my voice.

_It's because you have no self control, you eat too much and you don't do anything about it. Would it kill you to exercise a little?_

**Fat/Ugly/Alone.**

I place a tentative hand on my full stomach, as I try to ignore my thoughts. I left lunch early, but I still ate so much... Well, there is something that I could do about it... No, I couldn't. It's so dangerous... But maybe just this once.

It didn't take much convincing. The next thing I know I'm knelt down in front of the toilet, wand in hand. I clear my throat, and murmur the spell that has been consuming my thoughts for weeks now.

"Vomero." Immediately I begin to gag, and the contents of my stomach make a reappearance. My throat burns and my eyes water, but I do it again for good measure. I realize too late that someone else has entered the bathroom, and I hastily pocket my wand before flushing the toilet and opening the cubicle door.

Ginny stands, leaning against the sink with a concerned expression on her face. Damn, she looks cute when she's worried... I feel my cheeks flush as I put those thoughts aside. Not only is she a girl, she is also my ex boyfriends sister, and best friends ex girl friend.

"Hey, 'Mione, are you okay? I thought I heard retching..." I shake my head, swishing some water from the tap around in my mouth to help remove the taste of vomit.

"I think I may be getting ill... My lunch just made a rather unpleasant reappearance." I say convincingly, well, it is half true. Ginny gives my a sympathetic frown and takes my hand.

"Come on then, let's get you to bed. You have transfiguration after lunch, right? I'll go tell McGonagall that you're ill." She says, leading me over to my bed. She sits down on her own, busying herself as I change. She knows how much I hate people watching me change. I smile, musing over how much she understands.

Once I'm in my pyjamas I crawl into my bed and under the covers. I know that I shouldn't miss class, especially since I'm not really ill, but I know Ginny will insist, and besides, I could use the alone time. Lately I've been feeling depressed, and my marks have reflected it.. Thinking back to the E I received on my last History of Magic essay, I shudder. Ginny frowns again, resting the back of her hand on my forehead.

"Are you cold? You don't feel warm... Maybe you should go see Madam Pomfrey." I shake my head quickly, Madam Pomfrey would see through me in an instant.

`"No! No, I'm fine. Really. I just need to take a nap." I say quickly, flashing Ginny a reassuring smile. She glances up at the clock on the wall and sighs softly.

"Well there's only ten minutes until afternoon classes, and I need to go talk to McGonagall for you before charms.. So I have to leave now. Sweet Dreams, 'Mione." When she leaves I smile, I love when she calls me that. Once I'm alone again, the sadness sets in. Why is it that the one girl I want, is the one I can't have?

Without realizing it, I begin to cry. Silently at first, but then I begin to sob, and I can't stop. And I don't know why exactly I am crying. Everything is just too much, too hard. Then I realize that that is why I'm crying; everything is too much. My weight? Too high. My feelings for Ginny? Too strong. The overwhelming feeling to pitch myself off of the astronomy tower? Constant.

I freeze.

Despite the depression, I had never considered suicide before. I've always thought it to be a rather selfish thing for someone to do, because you die and leave everyone else to hurt because of it. Maybe they would be better off without you... I shake my head. No. No matter how bad things get, I know that I could never commit suicide. I think of my parents, of Ron, Harry, Ginny...

Out of the corner of my eye, I see a flash of silver. My potions knife. A dangerous thought crosses my mind, and the next thing I know I'm sitting up, twirling the blade between my fingers uncertainly. And then I cut. I gasp at the pain, a stream of red staining the pale skin of my forearm. It feels good. I cut again, deeper this time, letting the blood well up, rolling down my arm and splashing onto my bed sheets. I make three incisions on left my arm, and two on my right. The release it gives me is intoxicating.. It scares me a bit... I stare at the blood, transfixed, before realizing that classes will be ending soon, and Ginny may come back to check on me. I murmur a few quick cleaning spells to clean the sheets, and run into the bathroom to run my arms under the taps. It stings, but when I remove them the bleeding has seemed to have stopped and the cuts appear to be clean. For a moment I consider healing them with magic, but then I decide against it.

I kind of like the stinging.

**Authors Note: Hi there! So this is my first fanfiction, so don't hate me too much for it's awfulness :p Please review, and don't be afraid to be critical! I could really use any tips you may have for me :) And yeah, I know this chapter is short, but I'm just kind of testing the waters. If I get a positive response the next chapters should be much longer :)**


	2. Chapter Two

**Disclaimer: Apart from the plot, nothing in this story is mine, all the characters, places, etc are property of JK Rowling :)  
**_**A special thanks to xForeversEndx, for letting me use her vomero spell!**_

~Ginny~

Charms goes by faster than expected, and they may be due to the fact that I managed to fall asleep five minutes into Flitwick's lesson on "the theory of charms" in other words, no wands. Only boredom. I awake to the sound of someone dropping their text book, I've drooled on my desk. Beside me a couple of Slytherin's snicker, and I flip them off when Flitwick has his back turned. I would sleep at night, when I'm supposed to, but it's so hard when I spend every night staring at Hermione's beautiful sleeping face... I shake my head. No, I am not a lesbian. I dated Harry Fucking Potter for chrissake. Thinking back to Mione I frown. Lately she has been sleeping with her curtains closed... I sigh, resting my chin in my hand as I try to listen to whatever Flitwick is going on about. Something to do with silencing charms? I give up and pull out my journal, at least then it would look as though I were taking notes like the good student I pretend to be.

_Dear Diary,_

_Hermione said that I should try and have a diary again, to help get over the catastrophe that was Tom Riddle and second year. I don't know. She said that she picked this (you?) yes, you sounds better. So anyway, she said that she picked you up at a muggle book shop, then charmed it so only I can read it's contents. So we should be safe... Right? I'm not really sure what I'm to write about, so I'm just going to write about Hermione. Hermione is the most beautiful, smart, stubborn person I have ever met. And since no one else is ever going to see this I may as well tell you now... That I am completely and utterly in love with her. I've had a crush on her since fourth year (fifth for her) when she had her little rebellious phase with DA and all that... It was bloody hot. But she's straight, and I'm straight. (Aren't I? Well I suppose not... Does that mean I'm a lesbian?)_

I bite on the end of my quill, pondering this for a moment or two.

_No, I don't think it does. Maybe I'm bisexual. Yes.. Let's go with that. Anyway, the bell is about to go and I'm going to go check up on Mione, so write to you later?_

_I never know how to end these things,_

_Ginny._

Sure enough, the bell goes moments after I close my journal and I shove it deep within my bag, just in case. I can't get out of the classroom fast enough, I'm really worried about Hermione. I've heard her getting sick before and... No. I stop myself right there. She would never do anything as stupid as that. ...Would she? And she has been sleeping with her curtains closed.. And I saw her get an E on an essay of some sort.. Not that an E wasn't still bloody brilliant, but for Mione? She always got Os... Soon my thoughts began to spiral out of control, and with each step closer to the Gryffindor common room they grow darker. I find myself running up the steps into our dormitory, I just need to see her, need to make sure she's alright. I pull back the curtains on her bed. She's not there.

~Hermione~

The restricted section of the library has become my safe haven. No one is allowed in here other than me without supervision. I silently thank Dumbledore for giving me a key so I can, as he put it, _enhance my learning and read about different wizarding cultures_. I'm sitting on the floor, door locked, potions knife in hand. I can't get what I did to myself earlier out of my head. The stinging of my cuts has subsided, much to my displeasure. I want to do it again, but how would I hide it? Concealment charms? Band aids? So many possibilities...

_Do it, you know you want to. Do you remember how good it felt? The release? The sight of your own blood, your own filthy, dirty, unworthy blood rolling down your arms? Maybe this time you should go deeper... Maybe hit a vein or two? Then just sit here while you bleed out, no one would miss you, after all. Ron is back with Lavender, Harry has Ron, and Ginny... Well Ginny has everyone, quite the people person she is... Just another reason why she would never want you; she could have anyone, boy or girl. And you are just a fat, worthless, mudblood freak who reads too much and does exactly what she is told. Do it, off yourself. You know you want to.._.

I cut to silence the voices, red rivers taking over my arms as I experiment with exactly just how deep I can go without hitting a vein. I smile, it hurts, but I deserve it. And it hushed the voices... I cut again, deeper still, watching as the blood flows out of the wound, splashing the concrete floor and seeping into my robes. Seven pretty lines, perfectly parallel to one another. I feel myself getting light headed, and curse myself for being so foolish. In the library? Anyone could get Pince, the librarian, to unlock the door to retrieve a book... With a trembling hand I grab my wand, cleaning up the blood and stopping the rivers on my wrist from flowing out to sea... I stand and almost pass out, leaning on a bookshelf for support. Then I begin to laugh, I'm finally in control again. Finally there is something that is just mine. I laugh until my stomach hurts, thankful for the soundproofing the library offers me, adrenaline rushing through my veins. My wrists hurt, the older cuts that I had reopened sting, the newer, deeper cuts feel like lava, burning through my flesh and reminding me that I'm alive. I take a deep breath, willing myself to stay silent as I exit the library and hurriedly make my way back to the common room.

When I arrive it's empty, and upon looking at the grandfather clock resting by the fire, I realize that it is dinner time. I am empty, clean and fresh on the inside. Why would I want to pollute myself with chicken, or vegetables, or pudding? Of course I don't, empty is strong. Empty is control. The longer I stay empty the more beautiful I become.

**Empty/thin/strong/Empty**.

I feel wonderful, like I could walk on water or breathe fire. I could skip into the dormitory, if only I wasn't so light headed from blood loss, so I settle for a smile, something that I had not meant in a while. Ready to curl up into bed for some much needed rest, I am surprised to see Ginny, lounging about on my bed and reading a copy of Witch Weekly. I perk a brow, sitting down next to her. "Shouldn't you be at dinner?" She jumps, setting down the magazine. A caption catches my eye; _How to lose ten pounds in ten days, no wands required!_ I'll have to borrow this when she's done with it... Ginny jumps out of the bed, disrupting my train of thoughts before they could begin.

"Where have you been? It's been hours! I was worried about you, Mione. You weren't feeling well earlier.. I thought you might be in the hospital wing, but they wouldn't let me in because of some virus they were trying to contain." She says, crossing her arms over her chest and frowning. My heart leaps; She was worried about me!

"I-I was in the library." I say quickly, deciding not to lie completely. "I didn't want to fall behind in Transfiguration, so I decided to do some independent study." Ginny doesn't look like she believes me. I chew on my lower lip, and I could swear that I could see a light blush color her cheeks... I push it aside, maybe she's getting sick. And eternity drags by before she speaks. "Okay Mione, if you say so. Now how about we get some food in your stomach, you must be hungry after losing your lunch like that." She says, making a face. My stomach flip flops. There is no way that I am going to dinner. But what am I going to say? No? I sigh inwardly and decide to push some food around my plate. Ginny smiles and takes my hand, almost dragging me out of the room.

The food that surrounds me at the Gryffindor table makes me want to puke, no wand required. I watch as Ron shoves pork roast into his mouth as though it were his last meal and try not to vomit. Harry, on the other hand, is more civilized. He cuts his chicken breast into small pieces before chewing. I look back down to my own plate, a chicken caesar salad without dressing. There is no way that this is entering my mouth. But Ginny is watching me, and I don't want her to grow suspicious. So I hide my disgust and take a bite, ignoring the taste and counting the number of chews. I make sure to sit up straight (_Burns 10% more calories an hour_) And take a drink of water after each bite. Soon enough both Harry and Ron are done, and look at me.

"How are you not done? That was my second helping!" Ron says, eyeing up the dessert items that begin to appear on the table. I shrug. Ginny frowns slightly. "She was sick earlier... Are you feeling any better Mione?" I merely shake my head in response. I can't help but want to purge, even though it was supposed to be a one time thing. I stand as casually as possible, and flash them all my most brainy smile. "I'm feeling much better, but I want to go talk to Professor McGonagall before she turns in for the night about an extra credit assignment to make up for what I missed. And then I'll probably be in the library for an hour or so, so don't bother waiting up." Harry and Ron have already stopped listening, from what I can tell they're complaining about Malfoy and his latest of antics. I sigh, lately it's as though they don't even want me around. When I stood my plate had vanished, and I smile, glad that I now have a much better excuse for why I didn't finish it. I give them a goodbye wave, but they've already forgotten that I was ever there.

My feet walk me out of the Great Hall, down the corridor. Before I know it I'm past the library, past the Gryffindor common room, and into a vacant washroom. My feet stop me in front of the toilet, my fingers lock the stall door and tie my hair back. I don't remember when I took my wand out of my pocket, but before I know it, I'm murmuring the enticing spell, and my salad comes back up. My eyes water and I gag, murmuring the incantation twice more for good measure. When I finish I wipe my mouth on a piece of toilet paper and lean back against the stall wall, closing my eyes and breathing heavily. Outside the door someone clears their throat. My heart stops. Ginny.

I stand and open the door slowly, putting on my best sick face. Once I meet Ginny's gaze, I know that she isn't going to have any of it. Her arms are crossed and her expression is a mixture of horror and worry. Before I can protest, she puts a finger to my lips. "Don't. Don't you dare lie to me, Hermione Jean Granger. Don't you dare tell me that you're ill, or have an upset stomach. Because I heard you. Not just the retching, I heard what you were saying in there." I can't tell if she's sad or angry. Maybe both. I look down and curse myself as tears fill my eyes. Before I know it, I'm crying. I make no move to wipe away my tears.

"Please don't yell at me." I say meekly, hating myself for the tremble in my voice. I look up at her though a veil of hair and tears, her expression seems to have softened. Suddenly I feel her arms around me, and I rest my head on her shoulder, burying my face in the crook of her neck as I continue to cry. Ginny kisses the top of my head, rubbing my back. "Hey.. Hey there, don't cry Mione. I'm sorry I yelled. I just.. You're so.. You're so beautiful, Hermione. You don't need to do this to yourself, you're already perfect. At least to me," I look up at the ginger, wiping away a stray tear. Before I know what's happening her lips are on mine, and we kiss tenderly. I don't know who initiated the kiss, but I don't want it to end.

When it does, everything shatters. And in that bathroom I fall apart completely.


	3. Chapter Three

~Hermione~

A day has passed since Ginny and I kissed in the bathroom, and I have been avoiding her like the plague ever since. Not because she kissed me, but because my breath smelled like vomit, and she knows too much. I frown, running a finger over my lips. They still tingle, and if I think hard enough I can still feel hers against them. I sigh. She has been watching me like a hawk, and I know it. At meals I feel her eyes burning holes in my flesh, I make sure to eat two bites of everything to keep her at bay and not to leave until I know she is done. I know if I leave before she is, she will leave anyway to make sure that the food is staying in my stomach. I've taken to using silencing charms and purging into bags with my bed curtains closed. I know it is sick, and I know that it is definitely not healthy, but I can't stop. Especially now that I have to eat so much.

I pull myself out of my reverie and stare down at the food on my plate. ½ cup broccoli (110) Chicken (260) and ½ cup carrots (41) I do a quick calculation, dinner equals four hundred and ten calories too many. But just because I put it on my plate does not mean that I have to pollute my insides with it. Today so far I am one hundred and twenty six calories, thanks to Ginny. Luckily for me, she had to work on an overdue potions essay, so I was not force fed lunch. My stomach twists and turns as I play with my food, pushing it around my plate. Ginny clears her throat and I stab a carrot, putting it in my mouth and chewing ten times. I ignore the taste and how it feels going down my throat. I make sure to chew everything ten times (chicken twenty times) and drink water between every second bite. Ginny caught on to me drinking one after every bite, so I have to be careful. Suddenly half the food on my plate is gone, and I feel sick. I look around me, everyone else is working on seconds or desert, oblivious to my struggle. Except Ginny, who is staring at my plate, probably deciding on whether or not I have eaten enough? I make sure to look down and avoid eye contact as I stand. Harry and Ron look up as I do, surprisingly. They don't really care about me anymore, I'm just the girl they copy their homework off of. _That's all you have ever been. _I push the voices away, pressing my fingers into the cuts on my arm.

"Hey Mione, where are you going?" Harry asks, concern shining in his bespectacled green eyes. I almost smile, maybe he does care. "Me? Oh, I'm just going to finish that Charms Essay. If you like, once I finish with mine I can help you with yours." I offer, watching as the food and my plate vanish from the table. I remind myself to thank the House Elves for their excellent service later. Harry nods and smiles, giving me a warm goodbye before going back to his plate and conversation with Ginny. _Ginny. _I can feel her examining my every move, but suddenly I'm not afraid of her, I think I've reopened one of my cuts. I reach over the table and grab a cupcake -my fingers and my mind screaming for me to stop – from the tray in front of her and flash her a smile. I take a bite of it and try not to retch, waving them all goodbye as I depart from the Great Hall and walk into the nearest bathroom. I throw out the rest of the cupcake and shudder, spitting out the calories in my mouth and rinse my mouth under the tap for good measure. I want to purge, but I know this bathroom isn't safe, Ginny – or anyone else for that matter – could walk in at any minute. I sigh and leave quickly, making sure that no one sees me. "I should see if Harry will lend me his cloak…" I muse aloud, laughing to myself. I enter the third furthest bathroom from the Great Hall; Ginny would never check this one. The first two and last two? Sure. But she would never check them all. My heart races with anticipation as I lock the stall door, murmuring my most practiced of spells and purging all my problems.

When I finish (I do it three times for good measure) I feel euphoric, like I could do anything. I could ride Harry's firebolt, run through the forbidden forest wandless, pitch myself off of the astronomy tower and live to tell the tail. I. Am. Ecstatic. And I want to see Ginny. My stomach flip thoughts as I think of the Ginger, what if she figures out what I did? No. I shake my head. There's no way, I brushed my teeth twice, and ate some breath mints. And am chewing gum. I smile and practically run up to the common room, anxious to see her, to press my lips against hers… I stop dead in my tracks outside of the Fat Lady Portrait; _Maybe she doesn't want you to kiss her.. Why would she want to kiss you? She probably just felt bad for you yesterday, why would she want you? _I sigh, and push the intruding thoughts aside, murmuring the password and walking into the common room. Searching the faces by the fireplace, I'm relieved to see that they aren't there. My pace quickens with each step that I take to the dormitory, thoughts of Ginny racing through my mind.

"Mione? Where were you? You weren't…" She trails off, looking over me worriedly. I shake my head, a soft laugh escaping my lips. "No! Nothing like that. I was just taking a walk, thinking about some things." I say, fidgeting slightly as words suddenly evade me. "I.. I was thinking about us, and what happened in the bathroom." Ginny flushes, skinning rivaling her hair in colour. She begins to apologize, but I shush her, silencing her with my lips. Her eyes flutter closed and she kisses me back, the faint taste of strawberry lip gloss overriding my senses. She wraps her arms around my waists, and mine around her neck and she holds me close, as though letting go would break me. Given what happened last time, that is a very reasonable assumption. Rational thought evades me, she pushes me down on the bed and presses her body against mind. Drunk from the kiss, I run my fingers through her hair and explore her mouth with my tongue, her mouth eagerly giving me access. She breaks the kiss, but maintains her rhythm, kissing down my neck and causing soft moans to leave my lips and float into the air, her hand tentatively running up my side and resting on my breast. She bites my neck softly, and her nimble fingers unbutton the top button on my blouse, pausing at the second to look at me, as though silently asking for consent. In my aroused state, I almost nod. But then I remember the cuts decorating my arm, and I shake my head. "I…I'm just not ready, okay?" I say, sitting up and kissing her lips softly. She kisses my back, nodding. "It's okay, I understand. We can take things slow." She replies, kissing my forehead tenderly. The last thing I remember is laying in Ginny's arms, her playing with my hair as I fall asleep.

~Ginny~

I play with Hermione's hair, humming softly as I watch her sleep. I do not dare move, let alone breathe. Lest I break this moment and bring her back to reality. I sigh softly, kissing her forehead once more. She looks so peaceful when she sleeps. And beautiful. She curls up under the blanket I had put over her, head in my lap. I don't want to move her, I never want this moment to end, but the other girls would be coming up for bed soon, and I don't want to put Hermione in an uncomfortable situation. Or myself for that matter. I gently move the blanket off of her, picking her up and setting her down in her own bed, pulling the red and gold comforter up over her. As I do I notice a flash of red on her wrist, and my heart sinks. I close my eyes, feeling sick to my stomach. No. She may do some irrational things, but.. Hurting herself? No. Not Mione. With a trembling hand I slowly raise her sleeve, and gasp as I see layers of angry red gashes and cuts littering her arm. Tears well up in my eyes and I blink them away, rolling down her sleeve. This is a problem for another day.

**Authors Note: Sorry about the wait! I was actually in Europe, not much time for writing fanfiction! I'm also sorry that this chapter is kind of short, the next chapter will most definitely be longer, I promise! _Gold stars for anyone who writes reviews~!_**


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